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Wednesday, 27 August 2008

funny.

I am finding that xanga is the place that I occasionally turn to, between good times, to discuss the stuff that bothers me.
So, for those of you out there in xanga land that still read this, despite the absurdly rare postings, here we go.

I am dealing with feelings of failure. Odd, for a person still as young as myself. but it's true.
I see people younger than me, or within a year or so older than myself, who have become far more accomplished artists than myself. Their technique... their style... their skill... it all exceeds my own. I know that one should not compare themselves to others. It's a recipe for an unhappy life, and I know the Bible has a thing or two to say about that too. But these are not the 17 year old prodigies that make it onto the covers of photography magazines, or the people who make it onto TV by chance. These are people who I grew up with. People I've known over the past ten years, or people who I am around day after day. They are real. I can touch them. They show me their work, or I receive notifications on facebook about new artwork they have posted. I know these people. I guess it's easy not to compare to people on the TV or on the magazine, because I can tell myself "oh, their parents were rich." Or, I can say "wow, they must be one in a billion." But when it's someone who I've watched since they first picked up a camera... someone I attended the same classes with... or someone who I was once the teachers assistant to... I realize that either they are extraordinary... or I am nothing special.
The latter seems to be a better fit.
So, to all my xanga readers, I'll just say this.
I am an average artist.
And I hate it.

Monday, 30 April 2007

I want opinions

To those few and far between, if any, who still read my xanga, I have a question that has been playing in my mind these past few hours. It is a topic that envoke strong opposing emotions among Christians, and Gamers... and lead to an ethical, theological question to Christian Gamers.
Here it is... is Role Playing evil, and if so... why?
I view participating in a session of Dungeons and Dragons to be no more than a blending of table top board games, and effectively writing a story (imagine an improv book, or play.). With this view, I am inclined to believe that is is not evil. The hot debate emerges in the question of... does playing a "spell caster" constitute as the Biblical warnings against sorcery and witchcraft? I have no knowledge of any religion... or even belief system, wherein an individual can do fantastic spells such as mind control, or evoking a fire ball, without the spell being granted by a god or goddess. Therefore, does sitting around a table in my basement, with a half eaten dominoes pizza and a 2 liter of Mt. Dew, with 5 other friends who all have fictitious characters, and then saying that my nonexistent character shoots a lighting bolt at the goblin, constitute sorcery? If it does, then I ask... if I were to write a fantasy novel, something along the lines of Lord of the Rings, wherein a character shoots a lighting bolt at a goblin... is that wicked, in the Biblical understanding? If not... then what is the difference?
I have no personal conviction in my heart from the Holy Spirit... nor do any of the other 5 solid Christians who are playing D&D with me... and yet every Christian that finds out we play, gives me that raised eyebrow that just oozes with the "I'll pray with you.... and keep my distance." I wonder... while I have no personal conviction... should I?

Tuesday, 15 August 2006

an apology years too late

to who it concerns.
I know you will likely never read this, but still I should make it known that I am sorry.
I see your glow now and joy fills my heart that you have found your forever. When thinking of this, though, it can't help but come to mind the long silence of one who was such a close friend. one who shared endless hours of conversation. I wondered, what happened? What happened to my friend? I prayed for truth and clarity, and it came.
In retrospect things have become clear... the avoidance, the discomfort. The times when eyes spoke words never to be articulated. I see my always analyzing mind nitpicking everything. I see a betrayed trust from my acountability partner. However above all these things, more than all of these dysfunctions... I see a beloved friend who nearly five years ago may have gone through a myriad of emotions all because of me. This I hope was long in the past.
So to who it may concern I am sorry. for the violations of friendship and for the mind games that may have transpired. I am sorry for never saying that you are a great FRIEND when I should have. I cannot say there was never opportunity to tell you this.. just never an appriciation for the need of saying it. I was dense. I was a fool.
The only thing of the present I can say is... congratulations on finding a wonderful forever and truly, may the peace of God which trancends all understanding dwell in your hearts and minds. I pray for ever growing communication and understanding of one another. I pray that your lives... spiritually, emotionally, intellectualy and intimately continually converge as one. Congrats, Mrs. to whom it may concern.
You are a good friend to have
...and a friend will always be at Jabba15.

Friday, 31 March 2006

Throughout the fortresses of eternety there is light casxcading through all the metal shards within the human conceousness. I stand holding my dull sword and my rusty sheild against a pounding army of giants and my heart sinks at the site of it all. The light passes through the shards all around me, bringing the forces of good and evil in and out of vision as shapes become defined by shadow. My adams apple is a shot put ball as I face the approaching onslaught. I know not what the outcome is in these worlds, I can only hope that clouds shift and the piercing beams of radience thwarts the enemy. My mind pounds and my eyes ache as if they are sqeezed from my skull. My gut tightens and even the nails upon my toes cry out in anguish.
Help me define my beast.

Thursday, 01 December 2005

It's late. I sit on my porch and experience the night around me, as well as the night in my mind. The remaining leaves of fall get tossed about in a crisp autumn breeze that brings the promise of rebirth to my heart, but a sharp chill to my spine. Distant car's hum down Wayne Ave and an even more distant siren pierces the night air. The smell of Dayton fills my nostrils. It's odd, but every city does have it's own uniqe smell. As bizzare as it is... it's good to smell Dayton again. My eyes see the light from streetlamps, and a light ambient glow of light pollution gently wrapping around the forms of the night letting objects enter, and exit from perception. During the night, when these unnatural light sources are the visual rhythem of life... such obsurd beauty is revealed. Shadows are cast that should not exist by any natural means. Even our perception of night has changed in the past century. So much has changed. I wonder in 30-35 years when I perhaps have a son the age I am now, will he encounter an opportunity and embrace it, to sit outside after 4am, and just take in his surroundings. And what kind of world will his eyes lay upon? Will the sirens be closer to him, will the nightime ambient glow of light pollution bring forth a perpetual twilight blocking out the stars above entirely? I remember even just as a kid visiting my grandmothers house, my current residence, and looking into a star filled sky. I look above me now, and see only skattered exceptionally bright heavenly bodies piercing the glow.

Light is beautiful.

Light is ugly.